Sue Scheff: How to talk to your kids about Layoffs

What a timely article by Parenting Expert, Dr. Michele Borba

By Michele Borba

I'm sure you've read those dismal reports about job insecurities: The U.S. unemployment rate is now at the highest level since 1993. In fact, more jobs were lost in 2008 than in any year since the end of World War II. We are stressed and worried and rightly so, but so too are our kids.

I've received a number of email queries lately from parents asking for guidance. Today's tough financial times are forcing many parents to answer very tough questions from their children.

"Why did you lose your job? Will we be able to eat out? What will I tell my friends? Will we still be able stay in our house? How can I go to college if you don't have a job?"

Parents tell me they are trying to avoid those heart-wrenching questions. They just can't face telling their kids they lost their job, may have to give up their house or can't go to college.

But keeping kids in the dark about something so serious as a job layoff is a huge mistake. First, children come equipped with built-in radar and notice those hushed conversations and pick up on your tension. They may even feel they somehow caused your stress. And hearing such an immensely personal family problem from anyone other than you is plain unfair and could well break down the trust between you and your child. Believe me, your children are far better off hearing this news straight from your mouth. Regardless of how difficult this is, the truth must be told.

So where do you begin such a tough topic as a job layoff or financial crisis to a child? Here are a few guidelines to get you started.


Prepare what you want to say. Doing so will help you feel more comfortable and seem less tense. And those are how you need to appear to your kids.

Be on the same page with your spouse. Your kids deserve to hear the same message from the two of you. Put those disagreements aside and put your kids front and center.

Find the least distracting time when all family members are present. Set aside enough time that allows your kids to ask as many questions as they need to ask.

Keep the explanation simple and age appropriate. Young children are literal so watch your terminology. "I lost my job," may make a kid wonder "So why don't you find it?" "I was fired" might mean someone is trying to shoot you. "I was let go" could be construed as why your friends didn't grab onto you tighter. Terms such as layoffs, recession, foreclosure, and downsizing confuse a teen. You might start with a question: "What have you heard?" or a simple explanation: "I don't have a job anymore so for a while we won't have as much money to pay for things."

Describe the potential impact on your family. Most kids' prime concern is how this personally affects them. So be honest and clear about any foreseeable changes. For instance: Dining out less. Not going to movies. More bag lunches. Less allowance.

Take their questions seriously. Answer each as best you can. You can always say you will get back to them with the answer. Take as much time as needed to talk about the situation.

Be prepared for any response. Some kids will shut down. Others might be angry or cry. This is not the time to discipline or try talking them out of their feelings. Acknowledge their pain, confusion, anger or hurt. Then tailor your response to their response.

Explain your plan and how you will look for new employment. Kids don't need a lengthy discussion so just briefly explain that you're seeking a new job and it may take awhile. Knowing that you have a "plan" (even if you have no idea what to do) helps kids feel secure.

Involve your kids so they feel they are part of the solution. Asking them for cost-cutting ideas to help your family reduce costs. For instance, mention that turning off the lights will conserve energy. Then ask them for other suggestions.

Keep the discussion going. A one-time talk won't be enough for your children to absorb what is happening. So let them know that you are available any time to discuss this or answer their questions.

Try to appear optimistic even in the worst-case scenario. Your children will be watching your behavior closely and take their lead from your attitude. Your aim is to give your kids the impression that you're confident everything will turn out for the best. (And that's even if you're a nervous wreck inside).


In difficult times it's often not what we say but how we say it that matters more. Children are usually far more resilient than we give them credit for. What they need most in any tough time is reassurance and security. Above all, they need to believe that you will get through these tough times together. Don't forget to take care of yourself especially during these times so you can take care of your kids.

Please pass on your ideas o how to help your children as well as your questions. I'm sure it would help other parents and I'd love to hear from you.

Follow Michele Borba on Twitter @MicheleBorba

Look for her new book - The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions!

Watch her on the Today Show here: http://micheleborba.ivillage.com/parenting/archives/2009/01/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about.html

Sue Scheff: Are you jeopardizing your job with social media?

Source: Baltimore Internet Examiner
By: Chip Dizard

Go to Chip's Home Page

You have heard the horror stories, last year, a North Carolina school district disciplined several faculty members for Facebook content such as personal photos and comments about students. Wired.com reported that an Associated Press staffer in Philadelphia was reprimanded for a Facebook posting that criticized his company.

According to Sharlyn Lauby, president of ITM Group, a human resources consulting firm says "If I can put up pictures of the kids, I can put up pictures from a meeting,". "If I can talk about a recipe I saw with my sister, I can put up an article about something I saw that's work-related. ... People are talking about you, whether you want them to or not. As a company, you need to think about how you want to be positioned."

Companies are now dealing with this dilemma because work and personal lives often collide. Many companies have resorted to blocking social networking sites due to lost productivity and network concerns.

The key for employees to know is that whatever you post online can be used against you. Employers are often checking your online profile as a condition of employment. I had a client recently come to me about a web site link , she consented to do an interview on a major cable network, but it was for a surgery she wanted to keep private. So when you googled her name her employees found out that she had cosmetic surgery. This was something she agreed to with the cable network and it couldn't be taken down. For those people who want to protect their reputation, there are a few companies that will do that for a fee. One that is very popular is Reputation Defender.

Whatever you do, just be wise and trust your gut, if it seems inappropriate it probably is, I always err on the side of caution, especially in the workplace.

Sue Scheff: Loving our children is easy - Parenting Teens is Hard!

Wow – if that title doesn’t ring true! We will always love our children, but we certainly don’t have to like their actions – which brings us to parenting teens is not easy. I am sure there are some parents that have teens that don’t give them some sort of stress, but I believe all parents must go through at least once that they feel they are at their wit’s end.

Connect with Kids is a website full of educational articles, video streams, DVD’s, and more. They do offer DVD’s for purchase – and offers you to build your own library. Read on! Also visit http://www.connectwithkids.com/ and read their fantastic parenting articles, from toddlers to teens – they have it all!

Loving your kids is easy. Parenting teenagers is hard.

Parents today face very real and sometimes frightening concerns about their children’s lives. As they get older, your kids have their own interests, problems, even their own language. So what’s the key to parenting?

You could buy a book…but your child probably won’t read it. You could search the Internet for advice, and ask other parents. Those are good options, but there’s one that’s even better for parenting teenagers: reality-based DVDs for kids and parents to watch and learn together. Parents don’t typically think of buying a DVD to help them with the issues their children or a problem teenager faces, but this is powerful positive television programming produced by the Emmy® award-winning Connect With Kids team.

Build Your Own Library

We have a complete library of half-hour programs devoted to parenting teenagers and kids, all related to social, emotional and physical health. These aren’t lectures or scare tactics strictly about how to deal with a problem teenager; they’re true stories of real kids facing issues like drugs, drinking, STDs, obesity, racism, peer pressure, body image, bullying, and more.
These powerful stories are unscripted, unrehearsed and told in kids’ own words, so your children will easily relate to them without feeling defensive, embarrassed, pressured or talked down to. The kids’ stories are supported with interviews and advice from leading child specialists, health experts, educators and counselors.

Watching together is a great way to start talking with your kids. Each 30-minute video comes with a Viewing Guide with facts, suggested conversation starters and professional advice. To order, visit our products page.

Sue Scheff: Teenage Love: Something to take serious?

By Richard Hills
Examiner.com

I was 17 when I had my first “real” girlfriend (yes, yes, I was a late bloomer). But in fairness that is not to say that I hadn’t fallen in love before that; what many would have called ‘crushes’. Now, as a father, I get to watch this all unfolding in front of me again with my three daughters.
To prepare writing this article I was looking for some background data on teenage love, or relationships, and while there is a ton of information out there, it was not the sort of thing I want to address here.

The scenario: I’m in the car to pick up my teenage daughter from middle school. When she gets into the car, she’s simply beaming. “How did your day go?” I ask, “Ohhhh daddy, I met this boy today and …” 30 minutes later as we arrive at home she’s still talking about him. Teenage love; do we take it seriously?

According to all the information out there on the internet, we’d better take it seriously; STD’s, teen abuse, teen sex, teen pregnancy – a plethora of information to make any father lock up his daughter in the top room of the tower and throw away the key!

But these are not the issues I wanted to talk about today. Not that they are not worthy of discussion, they are. I’ve talk about some of them already in past articles and I’ll discuss others later. But today I just wanted to talk about the feelings of love. When your son or daughter comes to you with that silly doe-eyed expression talking about love, what is our first reaction as parents? I’m sure the issues listed above come into mind, but often I think the thought of “puppy-love” comes into mind. “Oh darling, you’re too young to know what real love is”. If you are thinking that let me recommend to you that those words NEVER leave your mouth in front of your child.

Childhood love is an expression of Self. It is a display of much needed independence and moral growth at this age of development. We as parents should not minimize this in the eyes of our youth, in fact I believe it should be encouraged. David Richo, noted psychologist and author often writes about the 5 A’s (attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, and allowing). These are attributes that we need fulfilled from a very early age. These later, in healthy relationships become the attributes that we desire to give. But we’ll never be able to give them if we never got them from our parents. So, when your teen comes to you in love, don’t dismiss those feelings as ‘puppylove’, or “you’re too young to understand” – trust me, to your teen, YOU don’t know what you are talking about.

In my research I did find an interesting article / study about teenage relationships. This study found our teenage boys have much more feelings then they are normally given credit for. I shouldn’t be surprised (having been one of those boys) – but I am a father of daughters now and the perspective is very different. If we take away our children’s love when they are young, what exactly will they have when they are older adults? It is real love, and should be treated as such. In our experience we know, just as she came bouncing to the car expressing her love, one day she will come running to the car in sorrow and pain over a lost love. Let us, as parents be there both times; first to celebrate… then to commiserate with our child’s healthy growth.

For more info: David Richo

Sue Scheff: An advice columnist reveals the perfect Father's Day gift

By Ellen Warren

A dad with no hobbies? No problem. I've got the perfect Father's Day gift suggestion. How perfect? Glad you asked. It's free. And it is almost guaranteed to bring tears to his eyes.

It's the gift of your time. If at all possible block out some time to spend with Dad, just the two of you. Tell him you don't want to share him with anyone. No Mom. No siblings. No grandkids. Maybe it's just watching a ballgame together on TV.

As for the happy tears part, that too is going to take some time -- to think about what he really means to you, then telling him so in a handwritten note. Sure it's a lot easier to buy a card and sign it "Love, Your Daughter or Son," but I'm urging you not to cheap out emotionally. Instead, recall -- in specific detail -- your favorite memories, what your dad has meant to you and done for you that you especially cherish and appreciate. Trust me on this: It will be the best Father's Day ever -- for both of you.

Shop, drop, ask for help Yearning for a friend -- only better -- to tell you what to choose, where to look, how to get good value? Now you've got an angel on your shoulder. Send questions to answerangel@tribune.com .

Sue Scheff: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace....What?

Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace...What?

Tips for Parents - Talking to Your Teens About Social Networking

NEW YORK, June 1 /PRNewswire/ -- MS -- It's no secret young people growing up today are more technologically advanced than older generations like the Baby Boomers. In those days, communicating with friends was done primarily by talking on the telephone, writing a note or speaking face-to-face. There was no e-mailing, text messaging, IM'ing (instant messaging) or posting comments on each other's personal Web pages.


(Photo: http://www.newscom.com/cgi-bin/prnh/20090601/NY24516 )


In schools today, instead of just passing notes, students can send text messages on their cell phones and communicate online with their bff (best friends forever) or with people they don't know, and this makes it difficult for parents to monitor their child's online activities. In addition to e-mailing and text messaging, communicating via social networking sites is becoming more common for both older and younger generations. In fact, in January 2009 Facebook alone reported that they had 150 million active users. In addition, according to Common Sense Media, 55 percent of teens have an online profile on social networking sites like Facebook or MySpace.


"Social networking sites can be great resources for staying in contact with people, reconnecting with old friends, meeting people with common interests, and getting questions answered, but unfortunately not everyone who uses the Internet and social networking sites has honest intentions," said Jay Opperman, Senior Director of Security and Privacy at Comcast.


What does this all mean? It means that parents should: 1) become familiar with online social networks like Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and MySpace; and 2) talk to your children about the importance of being safe and smart while communicating online.


Here are a few tips to keep in mind when talking to your teens about the Internet and social networks:


TIP 1 -- Choose your pictures wisely: Pictures can say a thousand words. If you decide to post a picture of yourself online, be very cautious about what you post.


"Do not use a picture that will embarrass you five years down the road because even if you delete the picture, it will never go away. What goes online, stays online," said Opperman. "Think about these questions: If I post this picture, could it prevent me from getting a scholarship or a job in the future? What if the person or persons I share my picture with, shares it with others?"


TIP 2 -- Don't talk to strangers and use privacy settings: Sometimes people aren't always who they say they are and the Internet provides an additional means of being anonymous. Remember, everyone in the world doesn't have your best interests at heart and some people are looking to prey on children and teens online. Social networking sites have privacy settings so you can control who can see your personal page. The settings can't protect you 100 percent, but they are helpful so make sure you set up a privacy setting so only your friends can see your page.


TIP 3 -- Keep your personal information personal: Don't share personal information such as your last name, parents' or siblings' names, phone number, address, social security number or where you like to hang out. People with dishonest intentions can use this information to find you or steal your identity.

TIP 4 -- Don't be a cyberbully: Don't bully people online or in person. You wouldn't appreciate a schoolmate or even a stranger posting embarrassing or harassing information about you or threatening you online so don't do that to someone else. Online, this is called cyberbullying, and now more and more states are passing anti-cyberbullying laws.

TIP 5 -- Go outside and stay active: Technology is fascinating and it keeps us connected in so many ways, but don't let the Internet disconnect you from other things that are important in life. Spend time with family and friends in person. Walk the dog, learn how to play an instrument, get involved in sports and other extracurricular after-school activities. Real life connections with family, friends and those most important to you should be one of your top priorities.

For more Internet safety tips and resources visit www.comcast.net/security .

SOURCE Comcast Security

Sue Scheff: Trolls Exposed: What kind of troll is disrupting your online community?

By: Dave Stancliff/For the Times-Standard
Posted: 05/31/2009 01:27:12 AM PDT

Don’t feed the trolls.

You know the ones I’m talking about. They prey on news forums, chat rooms, and other online communities. Their purpose: to disrupt any conversation or thread, and to get an emotional response from some unwary person. Ignoring them and not responding to their posts is your best option.

What kind of people are trolls? They’re cowards. Lonely cowards. Their posts seldom show any real imagination and often resort to childish name-calling.

Trolls are often extremely pedantic and rarely answer direct questions. There are some exceptions, but most aren’t smart enough to make a reasonable argument. They’re not interested in reason. They repeat themselves and say stupid, off-focus things to disrupt conversations.

Some trolls like to brag about their IQ. They try to come across like rocket scientists to lure the unwary and then pounce with a verbal attack. Trolls count the responses they get. It must be highly pleasurable for the poor creatures to count coups if they disrupt other people’s emotional equilibrium.

Trolls call it “Lulz,” a corruption of “LOL” (laugh out loud). Jason Fortuny is the most famous troll in America (using his real name in an interview). He was interviewed in the New York Times on August 3, 2008. This article is the best read I’ve found on the subject of trolls.
Fortuny’s passion for “pushing people’s buttons” made him the most prominent troll on the Internet according to the Times. He managed to thoroughly embarrass a lot of men with his infamous “Craigslist Experiment” as described in the Times article.

Like many trolls, Fortuny claims his pastime is just a big joke, a social experiment. He lives alone, spends countless hours anonymously insulting people, doesn’t have a full time job, is 32 years old, and brags (to anyone who will listen) about being a troll.

For all of Fortuny’s faults, no one has ever accused him of murder, like the woman in the Megan Meier cyberbullying case.

The suicide of a teenage girl highlights another type of troll. A deadly troll, sometimes called a cyberbully, took on a fake identity and seduced a vulnerable girl in MySpace. When the troll was sure she had fallen in love with the fake identity she (this woman posed as a man) broke up with the girl and said terrible things to her.

It was more than Megan Meier could stand and she killed herself. The warning is clear here. You never really know who you are talking with on the Internet, especially in online communities like FaceBook and MySpace.

For a guide on trolls go to flayme.com, which offers an Intelligence Test for Trolls. For an insight into cyberbullying check out the book “BullyBaby: Portrait of a Cyberbully,” by Andrew Heenan. “Dealing with Internet Trolls,” posted on lockergnome.com on April 17th, 2009, is another good information source.

Legislating cyberspace to go after trolls isn’t feasible in my opinion. The web is a new frontier for freedom of speech and I don’t want to see that changed by Orwellian laws that make it a crime to hurt someone’s feelings.
So what do you do about trolls? Recognize that they are part of the Internet community and will be there as long as there are lonely misfits and people who have trouble communicating in the real world.

They crawl through cyberspace seeking to create chaos. It gives them a sense of power when they feel powerless in the real world. They get to say things they’d never dare say to people directly. At best, they are lonely cowards. Ignore them and don’t let them spoil your use of the Internet.

Trolls are not hard to spot. For example, go to an online newspaper community like the Times-Standard’s Topix Forum. In no time, you’ll begin to recognize some names posted in every topic. Realizing this, trolls will sometimes change their identities, but their repetition and negative comments generally “out them” to an aware community.

There are also paid political trolls. They actually get paid to surf through online communities and disrupt meaningful conversations while touting their party line. Both Republicans and Democrats are guilty of this underhanded practice.

As It Stands, there’s really only one practical way to deal with trolls: don’t feed them!

Dave Stancliff is a columnist for The Times-Standard. He is a former newspaper editor and publisher. Comments can be sent to richstan1@suddenlink.net or davesblogcentral.com.